#2 Interpersonal Conflict (Edited)
I had a slight misunderstanding with my senior who was on the same organizing committee for an orientation camp with me. We were having a debrief session after our trial camp and we were all having a go at saying how we felt the camp went and what other ways we could improve on the camp.
I've always felt that we should be open about our feelings (in a sensitive way of course) so I talked about how the camp went and towards the end of my comments, I actually directed a question to this senior regarding why I wasn't informed about certain things before the trial camp. I told her I wasn't after any explanation since I'd already handled the situation and the trial camp was over. However,I felt that it was necessary for us to improve the communication between committee members so as to better facilitate the actual camp.
She didn't answer my question and instead stormed out of the room. About 5 minutes later,I received a very angry phone call from her. She accused me of calling her irresponsible and said words that had deeply hurt me. I wasn't even given a chance to properly address her concerns and was just given a huge scolding from her. Needless to say, I learnt a huge lesson from this incident.
So,how do you think I could have handled this situation better? What kind of approach do you think I should have taken?
posted by Paula @ 01:00
9 Comments
9 Comments:
Hey Paula!
Indeed, the purpose of a debrief is for evaluation of each member's performance during the camp and I believe you did the right thing in saying out things you saw that weren't done quite as well. Since both of you are in the camp organising committee, it is only rightful for both of you to know information crucial for effective operation of the camp.
However, I believe that your senior might have misinterpreted your comments as a personal "attack" and hence she instinctively retaliated with her own array of critical evaluation of your performance during the call later on. Perhaps she is a person who is extra sensitive to such comments and hence one suggestion would be to direct your comments to the committee as a whole.
You could have said something along the lines of this:
"I was unaware of certain things and hence this caused significant problems during the trial camp. Therefore I wish to remind everyone of the importance of information exchange to ensure that everybody can be fully aware and ready for the actual camp itself. For example, during the trial camp, I experienced this so-and-so situation and because I wasn't made fully aware of the details of the camp, there were some difficulties experienced. If I had been made aware of more details, such an incident could have been avoided."
You also need to be aware of the 7Cs - and in particular, courtesy. Perhaps you would like to identify certain areas that she has done well first, before pointing out the shortfalls.
That aside, I think that we also have lots of lessons to learn from your senior's mistakes as well! She has made critical comments without giving you a chance to express and explain yourself! Thus it would be prudent to remind ourselves to always give others a chance to explain themselves before we judge to prevent misunderstandings.
Hi Ben,thanks for your comment :)
I originally wanted to post the outcome of the situation in another blog post but I shall just reply here.
Well,I do have to agree with you that on my part I was clearing lacking awareness of the 7Cs - especially courtesy and consideration. I think that given the situation where everyone was tired from the lack of sleep,tempers were bound to flare any moment. I remember that debrief session to be one of the most intense moments of my life because everyone seemed to be on guard for some reason. Unfortunately, I chose that moment to voice out my concerns regarding the situation of lack of communication between committee members and had to bear the consequences.
I would say both parties were at fault really. I wasn't aware of the environment and hadn't considered that it might have been much better to have this conversation privately. My senior might have been embarrassed because someone who was less senior was openly criticizing her actions even though I meant no ill intentions.
On the other hand,my senior had let her emotions get to her and just called me to give me a huge scolding without clarifying with me what were my intentions. Perhaps my lack of completeness led to her misunderstanding my intentions. That is why it is always important for us to repeat the intended message when communicating with other. This will clear any doubts and prevent any misinterpretation of what is being conveyed.
So the lesson learnt from that incident was that whenever we communicate with others, we also have to be aware of the environment that we are in and how messages can be read in several ways. To prevent any possible conflict among people,we have to be clear in what we want to convey and ensure that the intended meaning was comprehended by the recipient.
Anyway,I really like how you suggested directing the problem to the committee as a whole because it would save my senior any embarrassment and also serve as a reminder to the other committee members that in order to ensure the success of our camp, we need to communicate effectively.
Hi Paula,
From what I read, it seems that she misunderstood you for 'criticising' her in front of everyone which caused her to 'lose face'. As a junior, you may have known that she likes to keep a good image in front of others. If her personality is as such, it might have been better to clarify with her in private instead of doing so publicly. I believe this is the sort of EQ that we are learning about. We must be sensitive to the feelings of others.
I agree that effective communication is definitely needed for the smooth running of a camp.
Hi Michelle, thanks for your comment.
Well,I would say that even though I didn't know her well,my senior seemed to have a very outgoing personality. She came across to me as a very open-minded person because there have been times where I had to seek her advice and she was very patient in guiding me along during the preparation for our camp. Hence,I felt that she wouldn't have taken this so badly because I approached the topic without the intention of accusing her of anything. But then again,this incident just shows that we shouldn't be so judgmental and assume other people's feelings. Hence,once again,courtesy and consideration should have been exercised.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Oh my, Paula. This must have been quite a shock since it does seem that you were just sharing. Could it have been that your teammate felt that she had lost face?
In any case, this is a very clear and concise response to the assigned topic. Having just about finished reading and commenting on nearly all 30 posts, I really appreciate the conciseness and yet completeness of the telling! You have also inspired good feedback. There is only one sentence that you might take note of:
-- what other ways we can improve on the camp >>> what other ways we could improve on the camp
Thanks for sharing!
Hey Paula,
I think the senior in question was just over-reacting, from what you have mentioned you ha only asked her why you were not informed and had not accused her. She should have handled herself better and let you talk but these things seem to happen often so I guess the best way to handle this would be to move on. Hopefully in time she will calm down.
From what you posted, it seemed that your senior was just being too sensitive. Also, was it possible that the tone of your question was too harsh, and seemed to be putting your senior down?
One possible approach that you should have taken is to structure your view as an area to improve rather than as a question. Going on to say that no explanation was needed seems to imply that an explanation could actually be made if she wanted to. This might have been interpreted by her as an accusation directed indirectly at her.
In the occasion that you did what I mentioned in the previous paragraph and your senior still reacted the same way, I can only draw the conclusion that she is very sensitive to such comments. Such people are actually quite common, due to the broken nature of the world we live in, so you will just have to be more tactful next time. In my opinion, if you do not know someone well, it would be best to assume that he/she is such a person. After all, it is better to be tactful to an insensitive person than to be tactless to a sensitive person.
@Brad: Hello! Thank you for your comments.
Well, I do believe that she didn't feel good about being 'accused' by someone junior to her status. That was probably one of the main reasons she lost her cool and started scolding me. I actually approached her myself to talk things out after this incident (calmly of course!), because I felt that it was important for us to maintain a good relationship if not for future times but also for the camp. She was someone who held great authority in the camp committee and I needed to work with her closely for the days leading up to the camp which was why I apologised to her even if she didn't accept my explanation.
Oh,and I have edited that grammatical error in my entry. Cheers! :)
@Uttara: Hi Uttara! Thank you for commenting.
Yes,I agree that we have to let our grudges gone because it really is of no use to dwell on it all the time. I would like to say that she could have handled herself better but given such circumstances, I doubt even I could hold my anger in so I really don't blame her for getting mad at me because it is part of our defensive nature that we humans have.
@Kenneth: Hi Kenneth!
I'd like to clarify that I directed the question at this senior because she was the person in-charge of all the activities that were taking place throughout the camp.
In any case, I have already mentioned about about reasons as to why she reacted in this manner in my previous replies but I do agree that I should have been more tactful in phrasing my question. After all,I had thought that she would be open to opinions but it turned out otherwise. Nevertheless, I will keep in mind your comment that it is better to be tactful to an insensitive person than to be tactless to a sensitive person. Thanks for the comments!
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home